Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Roller Coasters

Bad day yesterday.  Started awful, became awesome, got far worse.

First Stripes came after us.  You know how that went.

Then Nein talked to Vadiir via email.  I later learned that she wanted him to talk her out of joining the Commune, but that's for later.  He decided to use Mist travel to pick us both up and drop us off in America.  We told him about the whole apocalypse thing.  My stalker memory was pretty useful in that.

So, that had turned a terrible day pretty good.  For a while.

WhiteSuit told Jenifer that if she joined the Commune, he'd stop chasing me.  She accepted his offer.  They left last night.  I feel absolutely devastatingly guilty about that.  Especially since I had been considering giving him a similar offer for a while now, her freedom for me.  And it didn't even really make a difference.  I'm still Chosen, I just will end up getting chased by some other Commune.  Or Abandoned, which I'm hoping for.  "Yes, you'll get to share your fate with KarmA and your lover."  WS's such a shipper.  And a terrible person.  I didn't think I could feel much worse. Shouldn't have jinxed it.

Vadiir's dead.  CrimsonBranch slit his throat in his sleep.  He had been weakened because of Mist travel.  I honestly don't know how I can feel all this guilt at one time and not drown or something.  But yeah, I was on the chat at the time.  CB was mocking me so much.  Talking about blood and licking goddamned everything and he wore Vadiir's mask and he...presumably did some rather unsavory things to it...and he burned it.  The motherfucker burned Vadiir's mask.  And kept his knife.  Rage.  Fury.  Anger.  You have no idea.  I managed to keep myself outwardly pretty composed aside from a few outbursts at the beginning before my rage turned to fury, and my fury is cold.  Therefore, I was able to keep my composure quite easily.  He wouldn't have wanted me getting all emotional and doing something stupid and/or self-destructive, anyway.

I feel worse right now than I ever have.  Never has giving up the fight looked like such a wonderful option.  But.  I can't do that.  That would be pretty much the opposite of what Vadiir would want me to do.  He would want me to keep running.  To keep living.  And I'm going to respect his memory.  Not to mention, he's worse at staying dead than Jason Voorhees.  So what happens if he comes back to find out I've an heroed/joined the enemy?  Also, if I join them, I can't be friends with Alexis and KarmA anymore!  It isn't like I'm friends with any of the Chosen anymore!  Well, not counting Nein.

To Vadiir and to Nein, I'm sorry.  I'm so, so sorry.  I could repeat the phrase until time stops and it wouldn't be close to how I actually feel.  I just...I'm sorry.

Just...fuck.  No contact from my grandfather yet, either.  I'm all alone in a world that's after me.  And I'm not giving in.  I never thought I could have this much resolve, this much strength.  I always thought I was a total coward who would resort to pleading when running failed.  Heh.  I guess I've toughened up somewhere along the line.

So here it is.  I will not die.  I will not join any Communes.  I will keep running and I will keep on living.  I will bite back on my anger until it is time to let it out.  I will not let my fear show.  I will honor those lost and keep up the fight.  For Vadiir.  For Nein.  For my grandfather, wherever he is at the moment.  But mostly, for me.


I love you, Vadiir.
Stop being dead before your time or I'll make you regret it.

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